Christmas

This is a blog post of mine from December, 2023.

"Mikael loved Christmas. So do I. The decorating, getting a tree, baking, family time, carols, ice candles, snow; we love it all. I knew that this Christmas I needed to honour Mikael and celebrate as he would want me to. So, I threw myself into Christmas and thought about Mikael with every activity that I did. I decorated the house for the season and we went out with the kids and found a wonderful Christmas tree. I baked the cookies we all love and the homemade turtles, and of course cinnamon buns! Christmas music was played often. Tim and I spent time with both of our families on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Time spent on Christmas morning watching our granddaughters open their gifts and having Christmas morning breakfast together was peaceful and joyful in so many ways. Throughout the entire season I could feel the absence of Mikael like a stone in my stomach and I know that the rest of the family could feel it too. As I am now taking down decorations and putting things away, I know that I will do it all again next year. Though there is great pain in celebrating Christ’s birth without Mikael here, I believe that for me to do otherwise would be even worse. Not celebrating Christmas would not make his absence feel better. And so, I will continue to celebrate this favourite season of mine and Mikael’s each year because I know he would want me to. "

Three Christmases later and I don't think much has changed! I still throw myself into it and still think about Mikael throughout it all. We will spend time with our families and I wouldn't have it any other way. Mikael is missed so deeply by our family and his absence is still like a stone in my stomach. My heart remains broken and I have come to accept this. I have grown and learned and healed around the fragments of my heart and I suppose it is the brokenness itself that God can use in service to others.