Thoughts for Today
I have just finished reading “My Friends” by Fredrik Backman. I simply have to say that it is a must read! I have read all of his books and this is now my favorite. The depth of true friendship is captured in the most tender and heart wrenching way.
In the book, one of the main characters loses her best friend to an overdose. Backman writes, “ The curse is the same for everyone who has loved someone who died of an overdose: we think that if we could just have been with our human every moment of every day, then it would never have happened. It never stops being our fault.” (Backman F. , 2025). The recognition of this truth settled on me the way a feather flutters to the ground, slowly, gently. Because, here’s the thing, my brain knows that I did not cause Mikael’s addiction or overdose. My heart also knows this. But my skin has absorbed the responsibility in the same way it absorbs the sun. I know God understands all of this in a way that no one else could and he walks closely beside me, holding my hand always.
Our children's lives are entwined with ours. Everything that happens to them, good or bad, is felt in every nook and cranny of our bodies. Mikael’s battle with addiction was one that sat in my heart in the deepest most agonizing way. He was so open and honest about his illness and he shared often with me. He told me what he was learning about himself, his hopes and ideas when he was clean and sober, his despair when he had a relapse. That's why I know that when he made the decision to use that last fatal time, he felt desperate, ashamed and hopeless and thought he was letting us down. And that is the most heartbreaking of all; that my beautiful, sweet, amazing boy had to feel that way for even one second of his life. It takes the air out of my lungs. Because he never was; letting us down. Not for one single moment.
If you are a mom reading this and you have a child who is going through any kind of a struggle, and it's sitting in your heart like a rock, I want you to know that I'm out here and I understand. You are not alone.
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