Grief Explosions
Last weekend we were at a family dinner; Tim's oldest sister and her husband were in town and we enjoyed the opportunity to get together. After dinner, Tim and his sisters were reminiscing about their late sister Nan. They shared stories about her and you could see the love and joy on their faces and hear it in their laughter. It was wonderful and exactly what I know we need to do - share stories and be the Rememberers. What I didn't expect and so wasn't prepared, was the massive wave of grief that hit me shortly afterwards. Sometimes we know triggers are going to happen and we're ready for them and then there are times when we are completely caught off guard. This was one of those times!
I could feel myself internally disintegrate and knew it was time to leave. Luckily, due to different schedules, Tim and I had come in separate vehicles. I was able to say my goodbyes, get in the car and drive away. I was barely out of the driveway when the sobbing and screaming erupted from my body. I poured out my grief until I was hoarse; my throat was soar for days afterward. It is difficult to describe this and honestly, I am hesitant to do so because there may be those who think I have dropped my bag of marbles. I run the risk of coming across as unhinged, unbalanced. I can certainly assure all of you that I am very much in possession of my bag of marbles!
So, why am I putting myself in this vulnerable position by telling you about this incident? Several reasons really.
For one, I know that there are many others on this journey of grief that have had similar experiences. When we undergo what feels like a total loss of control, it can leave us exhausted, scared and uncertain. Perhaps you have wondered "What's wrong with me?" I want to assure you that nothing is wrong with you. Grief can build up in our bodies like a physical presence that needs to be released. Our body finds ways to do this. What I did that day in my car was my body's way of taking that solid grief and getting it outside myself. These grief explosions, as I call them, are normal and they are not setbacks in our healing. I want you to know you are not alone in this experience.
I also want my fellow grievers to know that when we have these moments, God is with us through it all. He is holding us, keeping us safe, hearing us, understanding us. God doesn't walk away from us when we are in anguish. His promises are true and we can count on his presence. All of the grief I expelled from my body that day landed directly in the arms of God. He will never leave you.
What's more, it occurs to me that we have a tendency to see our down days as setbacks and days of joy or accomplishment as progress. I don't think this is true at all, we need not measure progress in this way. Having a grief explosion, or a day when you struggle to function is not a setback. These are normal and natural aspects of grief. We will have days of joy, days of productivity, moments of sorrow, laughter and tears. It is all part of the journey. Regardless of the state I am in, as long as I know I am in the arms of God, I am moving forward.
Another reason I am sharing this is in the hope of providing some illumination to those who love and support someone who is grieving. The truth is that those of us grieving will most likely never have one of these grief explosions in front of you. For several reasons. One is self-protection really - we fear judgement. You can imagine that no one wants to appear out of control in front of others. Another reason is that grievers are incredibly considerate. We don't want to inflict our grief on you. We don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or ill at ease. And so, we keep these moments private. Since you don't see us in these circumstances, it is easy to think that we're doing just fine; that we are carrying our grief very well. Perhaps we are, but we're carrying it all the same. A thousand pounds is still a thousand pounds no matter how well it is carried. Check on your person and provide them confidential space to share their pain with you.
