If

I often think what if
I had an hour with you?
What would I say?
What would you say?
Is there anything that
has been left unsaid?
Or would we just sit
and be together
side by side
no words required
absorbing each other’s presence.
I think we would.

Sorrow

What does it mean?
Is it sadness?
I suppose it is partly.
But sorrow goes deeper.
Deeper into your bones.
Sorrow takes up residence,
soaking in to your being.
But sorrow has a partner
that is love.
For the measure of sorrow
is equal to the measure of love
that created it.
Sorrow cannot be
without love
Remember as you carry sorrow
that you are also carrying love.
And while sorrow
has seeped into your body,
Ii is surrounded and protected
by love.

The Silence of a Broken Heart

You may think that the sound of a broken heart
would be one to wake you from your sleep.
That it’s crack would reverberate off the walls,
leaving you startled and breathless.
But no.
This is not the way hearts break.
Hearts break so silently.
Not like the crash of a shattered bowl,
causing heads to turn towards the sound.
Rather the whisper of the pieces
as they fracture apart,
floating and fluttering to the floor
to lay at our feet.
We pick them up one by one,
these fragile pieces.
We gather them to us and hold them in our hands.
We carry them in our pockets
like treasure to be protected.

Unexpected Visitor

Grief appeared at my door today.
Unexpectedly, without warning.
I am not prepared for her arrival,
her suitcase tucked behind her.
Clearly she plans to stay.
For how long?
I slam the door!
She climbs through the window
hauling her suitcase over the sill.
This uninvited guest
is making herself at home,
unpacking each of her belongings.
She has no intentions of leaving.
I understand that I must welcome her.
I must rearrange my shelves
and find a place for her bits and pieces
that she is trusting me to keep safe
in my home,
in my heart.

Words

The words to describe the ache in my soul
are lost in the crevices of my mind,
their very existence questionable.
Oh how I long for you to fully understand,
knowing full well the impossibility.
I am reminded to look within.
The Spirit of God that lives in me,
the keeper of my soul.
There lies full comprehension of my pain.
This Spirit within and without,
omniscient,
so the words that I cannot find
are unnecessary.

Mending Hearts

Sitting here on the dock
in the warmth of sun rays
shimmering off the water,
I would seem to be content
to the casual observer.
Not so.

I am frozen here
existing within the tattered strips of my heart
the comprehension of such loss
stealing the breath from my lungs.

I silently send my brokenness,
my yearning, out over the water
pleading for some manner of answer, presence,
an arrival of comfort that
knows what to do with
the fragmented pieces encircling me.

A gentle whisper returns to me,
the softness of fingers pulling
my ragged strips together
sewing, patching, stitching.
You will feel the seams, I'm told,
the loose threads, the rough edges.
They will remain a part of you.
But, my child, I can work with
this heart, if you let me.

And I do.
Releasing every scrap of my heart
to softly flutter into the
tender hands of my Lord.

Without You

This Christmas we will get our tree without you.
We will gather for family dinner without you.
Where you would have been is a void
that can’t be filled.
Our family games will be played without you.
The things you would have said will go unsaid.
Your laugh will not be heard.
There will be no conversations with you
sitting in the living room
after dinner.
This Christmas we will not wrap a gift for you.
Instead, we will light an ice candle in your honour.
The lack of your presence will be felt like a jagged stone
sitting in my heart.
A stone that God will delicately wrap to protect me
from the sharp edges.

How

How is it that I feel nothing
And everything at the same time.
The frozenness of my mind
Unable to break the surface for air
And yet, I’m flooded
with the intensity of longing.
Longing,
excruciating never ending longing.
It is a welling up of
The most tender and deepest love
With nowhere to put it
Creating a sensation of paralysis.
Perhaps that is how
My mind protects me.

Take Backs

The clamour of children's voices
from the playground
ringing across the open space.
Assembling their teams,
making their rules.
"No take backs!"
Unknowing the wisdom of their words
imparted on afternoon breezes.
Words of truth.
The futility of longing for do overs,
for I wish I had and
I wish I hadn't.
The reason to seek
God's hand to form decisions.
The purpose of God's grace.
And why we forgive each other
and ourselves.

Someday

Someday.
The problem with someday
is that it’s not
today.
Someday is hopeful
and yet unknown.
Someday is better than never.
Someday has a future
but someday is not today.
And I don’t know how many todays
there will be without you until
someday comes.

Morning Peace

The lake this morning is incandescent
as it absorbs the emerging sun.
Peace lifts off the surface
and drifts towards shore,
towards me.
I sit quietly on the deck
my cup of coffee beside me
absorbing this tranquility
allowing my bones to soak it in.
And for a brief moment
I imagine
if I turned my head a fraction,
out of the corner of me eye
you would be sitting there
just out of reach.
But I don’t,
because if you aren’t there
I couldn’t bear it.