Responding to the “How Are You?” Question
Ah yes, the question fraught with anxiety and indecision. What do I say? How do I respond? Do they really want to know? How do they think I'm doing?
In and of itself, this question is perfectly legitimate if asked by the right person and in the right circumstance. If a close and trusted friend, in a private conversation, asks you how you're doing, they actually want to know and are prepared for the truth of your answer. This is an opportunity for you to share your grief unhindered by unrealistic societal expectations and receive love and compassion in return.
However, the "how are you" question is most often asked by acquaintances, in more public settings, leaving us floundering for any kind of legitimate response. Being asked how you're doing in the crowded church lobby after the service does not leave us feeling cared for and supported. In fact, it creates an additional burden. Response choices seem impossible and we find ourselves fumbling for an answer.
Should I lie? I'm fine, thanks.
Should I let my true thoughts emerge? How do you think I'm doing? My child just died.
Should I be honest? I'm really struggling and questioning everything. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My heart is aching.
None of these answers are ideal for us in social situations, but let's face it, we often find it easiest to just lie and say we're fine, avoiding the ensuing awkwardness of the truth. But, at the end of the day, this response does not serve us, or our grief well. Over time, this repeated reply leads to feelings of loneliness.
Our response to the dreaded question is not about making the other person feel better, it is about honouring our own grief in a way that maintains our dignity and privacy.
So, what can we say instead? How can our response on one hand be truthful and on the other, provide us an escape route from awkward or insincere reactions. I have found that the best responses are those that do two things:
acknowledges the pain of my grief journey (maintains my dignity and honours my grief)
provide a simple positive action. (circumvents uncomfortable reactions and respects my privacy)
Here are a few examples:
It's been incredibly hard but I'm walking with the Lord one day at a time.
Our hearts are devastated and we're counting on God to carry us each day.
Thanks for asking, it's been an extremely heartbreaking time for our family but we are all supporting each other.
Sometimes I like to use a bit of humour:
I've been a wreck, but at least today my shirt isn't on inside out, so that's a win!
It’s been so hard, I can’t think straight most of the time, but today at least I remembered where I parked the car!
The point is to come up with a few responses that work for you and be prepared ahead of time. This can relieve a great deal of stress and anxiety in social situations.