What to Say Instead of “How Are You"?”
How are you doing? We've all asked it. We've all meant well by asking it.
There is an important distinction between asking this question privately and sincerely of a close friend, and asking it in social situations and/or of an acquaintance. The problem arises when the question creates a burden rather than alleviate one. This is often the case when we ask a griever, "how are you?" in social settings. Regardless of good intentions, it sets them up for a plethora of unhelpful emotions:
Anxiety: They don't know what to say and worry about making you uncomfortable with their response
Resentment: Especially in the early days and weeks of grief, the answer should be obvious. They are heartbroken.
Panic: Scrambling for a coherent response.
The truth is that we really do want to support and comfort others who are grieving. So, what can we say instead of, "How are you?"
Well, let's first consider some of the motivations behind the question:
You sincerely care about the griever and want them to know.
It feels cold and unacceptable not to acknowledge their grief in some way.
You would like to know how you can help and support them.
You are a kind and caring person.
These are all good motivations but sometimes we just don't know what to say, resulting in the "how are you?" question.
Here are some ideas of what you can say or ask instead:
I am so sorry for your loss and want you to know I am praying for you and your family.
My heart is full with the knowledge of the heartache you are experiencing. I am so sorry for this terrible loss.
I am putting some meals together for you and your family, is it best for me to drop them off in the morning or afternoon?
I'm picking up some restaurant take-out gift cards for you, do you prefer Boston Pizza or Earls?
Your interaction shouldn't require anything from them while relaying the fact that you truly care about them and their family. If you want to offer help, provide concrete choices so they don't have to make major decisions. It's honestly that simple.
If you are doing your best to support someone grieving, I thank you sincerely.