Associations

I don't think I've shared this before, but for weeks after Mikael died, I couldn't bring myself to visit my Mom. Sounds like a pretty terrible thing for me to do doesn't it? When I got the call from Davis telling me that Mikael was gone, I happened to be with my Mom in her hospital room. Mom had dementia and needed hip surgery so I went with her to Thunder Bay to be her advocate. So, yes, her hospital room is where I happened to be when my entire world fractured around me. Picture yourself sobbing in agony, the room swimming hazily around you while being asked every two minutes what is wrong. As compassionate as my Mother is, she simply couldn't remember that Mikael had died for more than a minute. I ended up having to leave the room out of pure survival.

The next several weeks were a blur; celebration of life plans, visitors, phone calls, staring into space. By this time, Mom was back in her room at Pinecrest (Home for the Aged) in Kenora. Every time I thought about going to see her, I felt sick to my stomach. My brain had connected Mom and an institutionalized room with the moment that everything I knew was swept out from underneath me. These associations are not logical but they are completely normal. Our brains are wired to keep us away from situations that are perceived as threatening and painful.

Eventually, with much prayer for help, I made myself go and visit Mom. I stayed for a short visit the first time and longer each time after that until we were back to our normal visiting routine. The initial association my brain had made gradually disconnected. I never mentioned Mikael's death to her again and when she asked about her grandchildren, I responded as I would have before he died. The person that I wanted to receive comfort from more than anyone else in the world was no longer available to me. Another loss I couldn't have foreseen. God guided me through this and helped me consider visits with Mom as a gift to her, about her, for her, loving her. They were not about me. And that's okay. Because I belong to the Lord who provided comfort in every way that I needed it.

Have you experienced a conditioned grief response? It could be a smell, a certain location, a sound, a situation, anything that links your brain to your pain and loss.  I hope you know that it's normal and a part of the grief processes that we work through. And I encourage you to take any of these triggers to God for help and guidance.

Check out: https://www.amothersgriefjourney.com/dearfellowtraveller

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